16. Thanksgiving and a 2nd Birthday

Charlotte’s birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year and we had the sweetest breakfast birthday party for her. We had a “waffle lot of fun” celebrating with a special fun-fetti waffle just for Char (this child asks for waffles at least 3 times a day). It was cozy and warm, we watched the parade and opened presents, and it was just exactly what I wanted for her.

But I couldn’t help feeling sad afterwards. I think every milestone for a child makes a parent simultaneously happy and sad because it marks the passing of time. This milestone was especially emotional, though, because Mason and I had very loosely talked about trying to have another baby once Charlotte turned two. It wasn’t a hard and fast deadline, but it was something we discussed, and just one more reminder that it won’t be easy for us to have another child. IVF is expensive and it doesn’t always work. Gestational carriers are hard to find and extremely expensive. Adoption is costly and sometimes doesn’t work out. We have no idea if we’ll be able to have another child and even though I am so grateful for my daughter and was so thrilled to celebrate her birthday with her and our family, it was hard. Would we ever celebrate another 2^nd birthday in our house?

Thanksgiving was lovely as well, but I probably overdid it getting ready for Charlotte’s party and didn’t feel well. In addition to the physical pain, I just felt down. I have so much to be thankful for and I was trying so hard to put that all front and center, but I just felt the anger creeping in. I so admire people who are able to take a diagnosis like this and turn it into something good and useful. But I just don’t feel like I’m there yet. Cancer has not made me thankful. I don’t consider myself a better person for having gotten cancer. I’m so angry. I am grateful I’m not dying of cancer (at least, I don’t think I am). I’m grateful for good doctors and invaluable friends and family who have carried me through this, but I am not thankful for cancer.