Generally, the recovery has not been too bad. The first week, my major complaint was the abdominal swelling and the air bubble pain, but once that subsided, I stopped taking the pain killers and was able to move around a bit more. My mom stayed with us the first week and was so helpful with Charlotte and doing things around the house. There were a lot of random outbursts of tears and anger that first week, and she and Mason dealt with it like pros. They also filled in a lot of the gaps that I didn’t remember from the hospital.
By Friday, November 8th, we hadn’t heard anything about my results and I was feeling a little anxious. My mom left to have dinner with some friends and Mason, Charlotte and I decided to watch a movie together (Charlotte’s choice, of course, was Frozen – she says “I watch Olaf!”). My phone rang in the middle of the movie and it was my oncologist. She asked how I was doing and then said “I have good news – your lymph nodes are clear!” She then went on to say that when they examined my uterus, they found a bit of a mess. There was absolutely no question this was a Placental Site Trophoblastic Tumor and the cells of the tumor had invaded 10 mm into the lining and muscle of my uterus, so there was no way another D&C or even a resection could have gotten it all. She said she was feeling really good about the decision we had made and because my lymph nodes were clear, I was in a “watch-and-see” period now. I would have to have repeat HCG levels drawn on the 18th and depending on the results, probably not again until my 6-week appointment. I hung up the phone and filled Mason in, and he immediately burst into tears, telling me he had been so worried. It was the first time I had seen him visibly upset throughout this whole process, and it really cemented for me how hard this has been on him and our families. It had been so hard to focus on anything but my diagnosis and impending surgery before this (read: myself) that I really needed that reminder that everyone around me was affected by this too. We spent the rest of the evening optimistically updating family and friends and watching Frozen 😊
Strangely, that phone call was the first time in this process that I admitted to myself that I had cancer. I didn’t doubt the doctors and pathologists before, but there was always this shred of doubt before surgery that maybe they had it wrong, maybe the tissue they tested was tainted. The results completely validated my decision to have the surgery and left me without any questions or regrets. It was also the first time I felt scared about my health (which is odd, since the doctor had just given me very optimistic health news). But the results seemed to indicate this cancer had been growing in my body for some time without symptoms, and that is terrifying. So not only did I definitely have cancer, I’ve probably had it for some time and it could have spread at any point. How do people live their lives after finding out something like that? I’ve been sitting with it for over a month now, but it’s still shocking. My counselor mentioned this was likely a protective coping mechanism on my end – not allowing myself to feel scared about cancer before surgery. It’s an interesting way to think about it and constantly fascinates me how the human brain deals with trauma.
After my mom left, my in-laws were so helpful at helping me get Charlotte ready in the morning and taking and picking up from school. Mason’s work schedule makes it difficult for him to do pick up or drop off and since I really couldn’t pick Charlotte up, it was nice to have the help! Charlotte got really good at using step stools and climbing into her car seat by herself, and her new favorite activity during my recovery was sitting in her booster on the floor next to the Christmas tree to eat her meals so I didn’t have to lift her into her high chair! But it’s was really difficult – we didn’t have that much time alone together and though I broke the rules on occasion when necessary, I really didn’t fully picked her up or carry her around for 6 weeks after my surgery.
I had my blood drawn on November 15th (I seriously have track marks in my arms now from all the blood draws – that will make for some interesting conversations in the future). My doctor emailed with results around 5:00 on the 18th and as soon as I saw the email, my heart started pounding. I was so scared to know whether or not my HCG levels were still elevated, and the implications if they were. The message said something like “your levels are basically normal – let’s repeat at 6 weeks.” I was relieved, but the way she phrased it made me wonder what the actual number was. Mason was really excited and started congratulating me, but all I could focus on was finding out the specific number. The official results came in later that evening, and the levels were down to 1.3 (anything between 0 and 5 is normal)! This was the first time I had felt hopeful since the beginning of this saga and I really felt like I could take a deep breath.
Life One Step At A Time 