18. Where do we go from here?

On December 17th, I saw my oncologist for my 6-week appointment. My mom came with me to help me remember what the doctor said (and because I was really nervous and Mason couldn’t leave work to come with me). After a quick check with the nurse practitioner to make sure everything was healing as it should, my doctor came in. She went back through all my test results since surgery, reiterated that we absolutely did the right thing, and then she said the words that I wasn’t expecting, but so desperately wanted to hear: “I’m comfortable using the word ‘cured’ in your case”. And cue the tears.

We are still in a “watching and waiting period right now”, and we will be for some time. I will have monthly blood work to check my HCG levels, and I will see my oncologist every 3 months for at least a year. If anything looks off, we’ll be having a different conversation. But for now, my levels are normal, my scans are clean, and I’m focused on healing, both physically and emotionally.

There’s a whole other guilt factor that I have felt creeping in lately about calling myself a “cancer survivor”. First, it’s still hard for me to trust that I am completely cancer-free. I don’t know if I will ever trust that again. Second, I know there’s no “normal” cancer experience, but mine just feels strange (maybe all cancer survivors feel that way?) I am lucky I didn’t have to go through chemotherapy, radiation, or any further surgeries. I have my hair and my strength, my recovery has been challenging but manageable, and the time between my diagnosis and cure was minimal. I’m extremely thankful for all of this and I realize many others have a very different experience.

I don’t know exactly where we go from here. Currently, I’m wondering how long I can leave my Christmas tree up without it becoming a fire hazard. We’re in the process of buying a house and hope to move at the end of January. I go back to work full time soon. I’m wondering what Charlotte will do to make me laugh tomorrow. I’m worried I don’t take Penny for enough walks. And I’m hopeful my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him, because I’m sure I don’t always show it.

The loss from this diagnosis is always on my mind. There is always something that reminds me of what I have lost, what I can’t do anymore, what I will never be able to do again. And then I watch Charlotte master a skill she’s been working on for a week, I see her start a new school, I watch her open presents at her 2nd birthday party, and I realize the loss is worth it because I’m here. Sometimes life looks completely different through the lens of a cancer diagnosis, and yet other times, I find focusing on the little things in life, the normal, everyday, mundane things is what makes my world go round. One step at a time.