Today is my diagnos-aversary. I haven’t googled that to see if it’s an actual phrase that people use, mostly because I know I’ll go down the rabbit hole of reading people’s sad diagnosis stories. But October 16th last year, after a very long two months of doctors appointments, blood draws, procedures, stress, and tears, I was diagnosed with cancer. And it is still beyond my comprehension to this day that I had cancer. I have to actually say it out loud sometimes because it’s still so weird to me. “This time last year, I had cancer”. I felt a little down today – it was kind of a tough day. We are right in the middle of one-year anniversaries for everything that happened last year (first red flag that something was wrong in August, miscarriage diagnosis in the beginning of September, D&C in late September, diagnosis in October, surgery in November, remission in December) so it’s been emotional. But then I reflected on the details of my diagnosis story, and I actually laughed out loud for the first time all day. Like, who gets diagnosed with cancer at Costco, waiting for new tires? Seriously, is there a forum anywhere to discuss the most inappropriate place you have received devastating medical news? For a long time, I couldn’t go back to Costco. Something about the sounds and the smell of the food court brought me immediately back to that night. But I just can’t resist their deals on La Croix and Skinny Pop – so I worked through it.
I wouldn’t have made it through the past year without my family. Mason is my cheerleader, gives me perspective when I need it most, and loves me through all the good and bad days. Charlotte is my go-to for a dose of cuteness, a sweet snuggle, or a good belly laugh. Our parents and siblings have checked in with us, fed us, babysat our kid, walked our dog, and lent their shoulders when we needed to cry and vent. I consider myself very lucky to have the support system that I do.
We’re still working through some fertility and family-building options for the future – a lot of things happening simultaneously in that department, but none of them quickly. COVID doesn’t help. I’m still getting my HCG checked regularly to make sure everything is as it should be. I have a standing lab order for the end of every month, and it’s the only thing that I don’t actually have to put in my calendar to remember. Something in my mind just kicks in the last week of every month and I know I need to get to the lab. It’s become so routine. I’ve managed to completely stress myself out over our likely soon-to-be Supreme Court justice and the future of reproductive rights for women across the country. I’ve gotten semi-versed in some of the advocacy work going on in the fertility world (there are currently 5 bills in front of the Virginia legislature that touch on reproductive rights and fertility insurance coverage). It’s confusing and stressful, and I really don’t have time for it, but I think it’s interesting and important, and it gives me a semblance of control over a situation that has left me with very little control. I’ve also been listening to a lot of infertility and surrogacy podcasts. I definitely have to check in with my emotional state before listening to some of those, but I have found them helpful and comforting for the most part. There’s a big community of infertility warriors out there and it’s been a very interesting journey to hear some of their stories and try to understand where I fit in the broader picture. More to come soon, but for today, I am grateful, hopeful, still a little heartbroken, but taking things one day at a time 😊
Life One Step At A Time 