Every day that week (and many days after) felt like an eternity. I couldn’t eat anything and was having such a hard time concentrating on anything else. On Wednesday of that same week, I went back for repeat blood work and was told my levels had basically remained the same at 132.6. I begged for an earlier ultrasound appointment, and they were able to get me in that Friday (one week earlier than originally scheduled). I was so afraid that if this was a viable pregnancy, the risk to a baby would be so great because of the Accutane that we would be left with very few options. I needed to know what was going on so I could make a decision sooner rather than later.
I don’t want to get too deep into politics here, but I will say that I have always been pro-choice and remain so to this day, and I am profoundly grateful that I did not have to make such a decision in this process. It’s a horrible decision to make and I am so very sorry for anyone who finds themselves in such a position. I know there are many who will not understand that or think that makes me (or people who think the same way) a bad person, but just know we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.
I told my parents what was going on Wednesday night and my Mom offered to come up to be with me. I told her there was really nothing she could do, and I would keep her updated. Friday came and I went to work, nervous all day about the ultrasound that afternoon. Mason couldn’t leave work to come with me, but my Mom called me and said she was on her way to town to go with me. She made it just in time for my appointment, and I didn’t realize how much I needed someone with me until I got into the ultrasound room. It was the exact same room and technician as when I saw Charlotte for the first time and I completely lost it. The technician turned off the screen for me and I held my Mom’s hand and sobbed the whole time.
Afterwards, we saw the doctor to discuss the results and next steps. He said they could see something small in my uterus but could not confirm if it was an embryo in the process of miscarrying, or if it was just some bleeding and I instead had an ectopic pregnancy. Either would probably be too small to see based on my HCG levels (which were 129.2 that day). We discussed the warning signs of an ectopic pregnancy (specifically acute pain and sudden, extensive bleeding that would warrant a hospital visit immediately as it could indicate the fallopian tube was rupturing). I reiterated to the doctor how hard it was for me to believe I had actually gotten pregnant in the first place, and though he understood, he said it definitely happens and is not the craziest thing he’d ever seen. I asked him if we were worried about anything else at this time, specifically cancer, and he said there was no indication of that at this time (and he was right – there was no way to know at that time and he followed the protocol that other doctors would have as well). We decided to see what happened over the weekend and meet again the next week.
The next two weeks were just a blur of blood work and results, waiting for something to happen, and being completely overwhelmed with work (for which, I was actually a bit grateful, as it served as a welcome distraction). I researched miscarriages and learned some can take quite a while to conclude. I had no symptoms that would indicate a miscarriage or any other issues, except for some mild cramping on and off. Life went on during this time – Mason and Charlotte joined me in NYC for a work trip, we went about our normal routine, and we waited for something to happen.
On September 11, I saw the doctor again and my HCG levels had decreased only slightly. We decided to try Methatrexate, a chemotherapy drug that, among other things, inhibits folic acid and can be used as a treatment for a miscarriage or possible ectopic pregnancy. I went to the infusion center to receive two injections of this medication and other than the fact that the injections hurt A LOT, I had no side effects from the medication. I went back a week later and my HCG had dropped to 80, but doctor was concerned they hadn’t decreased more and I was still not having any bleeding that would indicate the conclusion of a miscarriage. Every blood draw, every doctor’s appointment had been exhausting, and I was eager to put this behind me and move on. It had been almost a month of back and forth, and the doctor suggested we should go ahead with a D&C. I agreed.
Life One Step At A Time 